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| A favorite picture of me and my Daddy. |
It was a rare occasion for me to sit on my Daddy's lap especially with curlers in my blonde hair. We were at my Grandma Helmer's HOME when this photo was taken for a Family picture.
I was blessed to be held on Dad's lap for this one when we were having a Family picture taken in Grandma's Living room that was decorated with grey wall paper in this small room. Dad was a good man, but seldom did he hold me and he didn't tell me he loved me until I was 34 years old of age on the telephone after I was going through a rough spot in my marriage.
As I was growing up, I didn't hear compliments like, "You look so pretty today in your Easter dress." "You did so well in the school play!" "I'm so very proud of you for getting an A on your spelling test." "You did well cleaning your room." "Good job!" "You have great value and worth." "You're a good girl." "You're a child of God." "You are my lovely daughter that has talent and is full of grace." "I'll provide for you. I'm your Daddy and I'll take care of you and protect you." "I love you, little one." "You're so special to me."
The guiding words about the rights and wrongs in life weren't common discussion. This is what you need to look for in a future Husband...I just was suppose to know. Being prepared, how to make a living, walking in God's counsel were not discussed. I was just suppose to know.
I guess Dad didn't know that young children need words of encouragement. I guess he didn't know that young children need to be told, "I love you."
His LOVE LANGUAGE was being a good Husband to my Mom and being a hard worker. His LOVE LANGUAGE was to come HOME every evening and be cheerful, honest, exhibiting godly character to others, sharing a sense of humor always repeating the punch line of a joke twice. He played the harmonica, sang some, popped a lot of popcorn. He was most of the time mild mannered. He was clean in appearance always having his hair combed into place. He loved cars, eating white bread with every meal and looking for treasures on the side of the road. He loved to fish, take naps, sit in his recliner and be attentive to my Mom.
The guiding words for a godly life weren't spoken directly at me very often. He never spanked me. Ever. He did have a temper that came out once in a while and I knew I didn't want to see it. He was present, but not very vocal about LIFE. I've deliberately looked for good qualities in him through the years. He didn't stay out late at night gambling, nor use foul language, no drinking, or carousing. He worked hard to put food on the table, a roof over our heads, have good transportation. He worked hard and I would have to say I loved this about him.
Today is Father's Day and I think about him as he was my earthly Father that is now in heaven. There are all kinds of Fathers. Mine was special to me, still I have to think about what good qualities he had and know that he was a good man even if he didn't hold me on his lap except for a few Family photos.
He turned out to be a decent guy. His upbringing was so different than mine. His Father was a raging alcoholic and Dad would get to see his own Father beat up his Mother. Dad would get to see his older brothers protect their Mother from a man that was mean.
I remember taking my Dad out to eat to celebrate one of his birthdays when we lived in the same town as he did. It would be extra special to take Dad to a little Amish Restaurant not far from his Home Town to eat a hearty meal served up by the local women there. He didn't say two words to me the entire meal and he never did thank me for treating him to a birthday meal. This hurt a little. I was strapped for money and taking him out was a strain. Couldn't he have at least said thank you?
What I found out later was that when he was little boy, he went to this small town with his Dad and his Dad made him sit on the curb outside a bar to wait for him while his Dad was inside getting drunk while spending the little money they had on alcohol. Hours sitting on the curb alone. Sad and it shouldn't have happened.
Dad did the best he could I suppose. Still I was wounded. I would be in my mid thirties when I finally realized that I was wounded and went to the Lord in prayer about these hurts. God showed me a different way to live that is healthier than being hurt. I can see better these days that we need help from a healthy GOD that loves us as a FATHER should.
Our example can be found in Almighty God that is LOVE, sovereign, trust worthy and truthful. FAITHFUL. He is faithful. He can show you great and mighty things. My God is an awesome GOD.
Dad, I am thankful I had you as my Father as I have learned that LIFE could have been so much worse than what it was. I am thankful to call you DADDY. I am your daughter and that's that.
Even with you not having shown me how to ride a bike or drive a car, no long walks together, no praying over me, no telling me I was a somebody or pretty today, no giving gentle hugs or a kiss on my cheek to comfort me in times of trouble or tell me it's going to be alright...you tried to show me how to fish, fly a kite, polish rocks, provided a used car to drive, sometimes took me to Church.
The importance of how you provided much for your wife and children should carry a great deal of weight. I never went hungry nor was I dirty. I had a clean bed to sleep in, clean clothes to wear and a clean home to live in. A fenced back yard to play in, toys to call my own. You never beat me or cuss me out. You didn't abuse me or leave me sitting on a curb waiting outside while you were occupied getting drunk. You said that soap and water don't cost much. No need to be dirty.
I sometimes think I must have been an embarrassment to you for being so tall. I would find my worth and comfort from my Heavenly Father. I did learn a lot from you, Dad and there is peace in this. More peace than pain.
When raising my children, I deliberately told them certain things because I wanted them to know that I had told them and I wanted to know that I had told them. I am far from perfect and still need to tell them things that I want them to know. I have some regrets.
I wish I had sat on the edge of their beds at night and listened to all their concerns more. I wish I had said more prayers with them, hugged them and told them I was so proud of them. These are your talents now use them well. There are consequences to your actions. Bible stories were not told during Family devotions because we didn't have Family devotions. Sigh.
I wish they had heard me praise their own Father more than what I did and explain more to them why we are doing certain things like moving again because their hard working Daddy needed to move with the company to pay our bills. We're a FAMILY and we care for one another. He is the provider and we are grateful and thankful he did well working hard. I do wish sometimes I had added more to our Family times. I tried. Still.
Sometimes time moves too quickly and I wish I had just sat in their presence as their Mom soaking in their childhoods pouring more affirmations into their souls as well as their Father's.
Today is Father's Day. A time to bless Fathers and recall the ones that have passed away. A time to let the living ones know that this is a special day for a special man and for a special thing called Fatherhood. That they are loved and very much appreciated.
I wish I had done more to celebrate you while you were alive. I wish I had kissed you on your cheek, hugged you and told you I was proud of you and proud to be your daughter. I wish I had. I have to hang onto the good memories and think deep thoughts of how you were a good guy that did well even when you were not told how wonderful you were. How to love yourself in a healthy and godly way because God loves us. He really does.
Dear Daddy, Did you know that I loved you?
That close relationship with our Heavenly Father is possible and needed. Being spiritually intimate with HIM is the healing touch for a hurting person that was left outside sitting on a curb waiting.
