Staying Up Late

Stayed up late last night suffering thru on what I call FIRE RECOVERY.

Dear Husband had already gone to bed as the wind howled outside.
The Dining room storm window kept a slamming/rattling beat with the harsh cold wind.  As if to say, "Let me in.  Let me in there with you."

To just sit in the dark and listen to the music it was making might have been an improvement to what I was doing.

Documenting all that I can think of and writing down descriptions, measurements and value to replace items that were damaged has been an occupation going on over the last few months.  Last night as I looked over the pictures, I told myself that I shouldn't work on this LATE AT NIGHT as it would probably make falling asleep harder to do.  I stayed up until after one in the morning.

MY HEART LITERALLY ACHED.  My chest hurt.  My emotions were stirred up.  Thinking out loud...Don't have a heart attack over this...seriously.

The sooner I have this task completed I hope to not have so much of it on my mind.  If possible.

Side by side I will work at making a new inventory with pictures and warranties of replacement items so I have a list of the things we have.  Future recall.  

Seriously think about walking about your HOME and taking pictures of everything in the rooms, in drawers and closets.  In storage, etc.   MAKE SURE YOUR HOME OWNERS INSURANCE POLICY HAS REPLACEMENT VALUE INCLUDED IN THE POLICY. 

Viewing what was damaged makes me very somber.  Explaining the emotions manifesting in me is in a league all its own.  Trauma does that.  It's classified in a league all its own.  One can have sympathies without going through the exact thing but when going through a similar event others may react differently.  Always a league of its own.  Similar, but not exact.  Individual heartache and hardship.  INDIVIDUAL.  You may think you can identify with it and maybe you can, but taking ownership of the emotions and trauma are individual.

Still it goes along ways to tell someone that you're so sorry that this has happened.  It goes a very long ways especially from family members and loved ones.  Friends.  Total strangers have been very kind to us.  Total strangers.  I must embrace this and recall that they cared.  

I must recall the caring Family members.  My children cared.  My Mother cared.  My In-Laws cared.  My Husband cared.  I cared.

This recovery is ongoing and will take a long time to piece everything back in order.  I already know that some of this HAS TO be taken slow...some fast.

I grew in a way difficult to put into the human language what this did to me.  Also seeing my Father dying made a change in me that I cannot explain completely in human words.  I cannot explain what seeing him die did.  He'd pass away going to heaven.  

I saw a difference in those that think OLD people have lived long enough...let them die.  I have issues to deal with concerning family members and how they responded to all of this.  I matured with a backbone.  There are times that we are not going to agree with other family members.  There will be times that we separate the goats from the lambs.  Separate the weeds from the grass.  Find out just who does have a heart and those that are callus.  God help me to forgive, but I don't think I can forget. 

I learned more about the fallen nature of mankind.  I learned more about how not to act or live.  I learned more about how NOT to treat others.  Mercy.  It was difficult.     

Concerning the fire, there were very few sorries if any from some of my siblings and their spouses.  Which was very painful and disappointing.  Very.  This alone was eye opening.  This alone was difficult to take.  First, I have to take ownership over how I feel.  Not ignore the pain then I must forge ahead and not dwell on this ugly.  AND IT IS UGLY.

I can pray that God bless them because they need blessed by HIM in a way that helps their stony hearts warm to flesh.  In no way am I perfect, but I know full well that if their HOUSES/HOMES had burned, blew up, blew away or were swallowed up that I would at least ask, "How are you doing?"

To what horrible thing did I do that would cause silence from them?  LORD, are they so cold that I didn't notice?  I am at a place that I have to ask.  Over the years I have had to say I'm sorry.  I still believe it was correct to say I'm sorry.  I must forgive and not dwell on hurt feelings or disappointment.  I think there are times you may NEVER receive a comforting word from family...you may never receive an apology when one is needed.  What then?

Pray and give this concern to the LORD.  Release the pain to HIM and deal kinder toward people going through very trying things.  Kinder.  More considerate.  Be more like the total strangers that were kinder to you than those that should have been.  Don't expect so much from Family even when family is suppose to care.  BE MORE.  Be the JESUS with skin on.  If you can.  

My mentally ill brother came through for us with a sorry.  He has come through for me on other occasions that were difficult to go through.  Because one is mentally ill does not necessarily mean you stop caring.  He cared.  He was considerate.  I must return sympathy to him.  Send more cards and letters.  Phone calls made.  Hugs.  Cash.  Gifts.  LOVE.

Because you may be a mentally healthier person does not mean you have a heart or care.  You may be heartless.  Callus.  Cold.  Need a transfusion.  

The FIRE Recovery is PAINFUL.  SOBERING.  SAD.  EYE OPENING.  Much prayer is needed and organizational skills to get a handle on the next chapter in LIFE 
BECAUSE this book I was in came to an end.  

LORD, What would you have me to learn from all of this?

PAUSE.

I would rather get along with Family, but not at any cost.  Family isn't your all in all.  Just because we are blood relatives does not mean blood relatives are loyal or caring.  We are passing through this world.  Don't worship things.  Worship God.  Appreciate the things, but don't worship them.  Have order.  Streamline.  No excess baggage.  Freedom.  Owe no man anything, but LOVE.  Have a heart.  Be sympathetic, but loyal to God.

Switch gears.

SNOW.  Was hoping we'd get at least one more deep snow before EASTER.  Not sure that's going to happen as the temps continue to swirl upwards and some flowers are BLOOMING.

I noticed in the front FLOWER BED that there are tiny, delicate, yellow Jonquils smiling at me.  They are beautiful.  FIRST SIGNS OF SPRING.  I looked twice yesterday as I went to wipe an old dried coffee splash off of the front storm door.  SPRING CLEANING STARTED.

The Jonquils caught my eye as I stuck my head out the door to remove the coffee stains.  Finally I remembered to wipe that old coffee off the door that I know has been there for months.  Months.  It easily wiped away with a baby wipe same as the dirty markings off a light switch indoors.

I will baby my housekeeping.  She needs lots of loving, gentle attention.

This SPRING will be very different as we are no longer living at the OLD ROCK HOUSE where every SPRING DAY I deliberately looked at the blooming flowers as they decided to pop open to display their GLORY.  Everyday.

While I lived there that was one LOVE that came to LIFE as I grew fonder of flowers especially Irises. The greenery with splashes of color turned my crank sort of speak.  Husband became a Gardener and I became an Admirer.

We have some flowers planted here and will add to the numbers a little at a time as TIME/HEALTH permits.  We have some Irises that need planted that are resting in boxes.  Heirloom Irises that splash colors of PURPLE and smell like bubble gum.  These were the first Irises that I noticed had a SWEET SMELL to them and not the kind that I was use to in Southwest Kansas.  I did not know that Irises could smell so nice.  SWEET.  I didn't know until we moved to this location in the Flint Hills at our rock house.

I suppose in a way I am grieving not living in the rock house anymore.  I had to say Good-bye as we do away with her.

Irises are beautiful to look at, but the fragrance put off is usually awful.  When we discovered the sweet smell of these heirloom irises it was a wonderful surprise.  We will relocate these Irises after they bloom and can be relocated without damaging them.  

You know how you look at a rose and go to sniff it thinking it is going to smell sweet and it has no fragrance at all?  A dud.  A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT IF YOU ASK ME.

Be right back.  Have to go grab a cup of coffee.  BREAK TIME.

Good hot coffee with some creamer in it is my newest best friend as I enjoy sipping until the coffee is cold and then I still enjoy.  THRIFT CUPS are working nicely as they hold this hot beverage.  The month of MARCH is in a few hours.  Ready for MARCH.  This will be the month I work hard and heavy on our FIRE RECOVERY.

The wind has come in like a lion and hopefully will go out like a lamb.  What a month March will be.

MARCH ON DEAR ONE and be blessed.
HOME Life is for me,
d