I MAY BE SLOW, BUT I'M STILL IN MOTION! That means something. Slow, but steady I go. I did manage to get my walk in last night as it was growing increasingly darker outside. I knew it was going to be dark by the time I finished my walk. Hubby went to the track with me and even walked one lap around. For someone with a bum knee, he did super well.
He hasn't been walking with me as he does other things with his time and has an injured knee. I don't suppose he'll walk with me all the time. That's alright as he is working on the rebuilding of the porch. He has torn off the porch boards revealing the ground underneath. He hopes to have this porch project completed before November 1st.
I'm putzing about the COTTAGE rearranging two rooms slower than molasses as some say. This is where I keep moving. This week-end, I'll keep up the good work. Pat myself on ze back. Bills to write out and laundry as well. Always. This means we are alive.
This morning Hubby has traveled to the BARBER for a hair cut. I have some quiet time to myself. Checking the outdoor temperature to see if I can go walking or will have to wait until cooler temps. The temps right now are 74 degrees and I figure around 7 this evening it will be about the same temp. Picking this evening to walk. My day energies need to go into the shuffling of the interior furniture. That's made up.
MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE. This will be a mixture of thoughts concerning a relative having issues with her husband and grown child plus being a mother in-law. I've been having difficulties putting into words what I want to say.
I have been researching on how to deal with narcissist. The husband is one and the wife is as well. To help me process the dynamics of some relationships, I need some information to assist me. I've had to come to terms with why I think I am suppose to FIX someone. Losing some sleep over it. Finally, I reminded myself that this person is very much a grown woman that will have to do the work herself to fix her situation and I am not her. My issue is why do I think I can fix her? Why am I entangled? Yes, it is one thing to be concerned and lend a listening ear, but it becomes a different issue when the dumping does not stop for years. Their inability to solve their problems needs work, but they are the one that needs to do it, not me. They need help with resolving their problem. I mean it's been going on for over 50 years. The issues with her son has been going on for over 30. She could use some professional help to teach her how to resolve problems instead of continually entertaining the problem. She needs professional help.
I do not have to be a dumping ground where the other person continually unloads on me about her troubled marriage and her issues with being a hurting mother. I have listened to her for over 50 years about her hurting marriage. Early on when this started to happen, I was young and not experienced with knowing I needed a healthy boundary so I wouldn't wear their problem. I was lacking the experience on how to be a good listener and not wear the other person's frustrations. Truthfully, I can only do so much for another and they are the one that has to do the work in their personal battle. Not me. I wasn't trained how to do this and I lacked the insight.
I can sympathized. I can talk to her straight. I can pray, but I do not have authority to be her and fix her issues. I came to the conclusion that she wants to be the center of attention that just wants to whine and complain. She does not want to change. It is easier to whine and remain in the mess. Finally she said she is going to go to a mental health worker. Will she? She needs to. SO does her husband.
My side of the story is why do I continually allow myself to listen to her complaining for entirely too long and not be able to turn loose of her pain? I wear it. I entertain it. I run the reel in my head for days on end after the visit. It's nonproductive. It becomes destructive and time consuming. Why do I allow myself to do this? Am I allowing myself to have a victim mentality? YES. She has a victim mentality because she stays stuck in her mess and I stay stuck entertaining the messy situation. In order for me to be victorious and master this I AM STUCK MENTALITY, I have to release the mindset that I have been entertaining.
If we went back to my upbringing, how the family dynamics were, what happened in my own marriage, etc. I would be told that I need help processing with being a victim that had no voice. I felt I had no voice as a child and when this happens, you can begin to believe that you have no value. You can become very insecure staying stuck with this mindset. Something in the maturing process is missing. It may not be the parent's fault at all. It can be that the child is super sensitive and has embraced something they shouldn't have. The need for excessive attention may be out of whack.
Having a victim mentality keeps us stuck within the bad situation and it may not improve. That victim mentality can flow either way when the person continually complains as if they can not do anything to improve the problems and the one that is dumped on does not let the other person be the one to do the work to improve their situation.
If I hang around and listen to the complainer for hours on end, I am a sounding board that when left alone cannot seem to turn that mess off. The dumping zaps my energy and I cannot turn the noise off thus making me a victim. I no longer want to be that victim. I have to have a healthy boundary and know how to defuse their pain within my world. I need to practice problem solving by turning their troubles off in my head. I need to go to the cross and pray for them as well as to leave their problem with the Lord.
We all need a voice. Everyone one of us needs a voice and in order to have healthy boundaries, you may need to limit your time around people that want to be the center of attention and you aint it. You may just be a warm body to dump on. You do not have value to them other than you are a warm body to dump on. You may have to excuse yourself from the relationship. If you become their dump yard all the time when around them, you'll have to decide just how much of this am I going to listen to.
If you are around them, you have the ability to silence their message of despair. If you are the unlucky one that continually listens to their same drama, then are they holding you captive and getting to be the center of attention? You're allowing it by being polite and giving them full attention. Their need to be the center of attention is a mental health issue. Are they emotionally disturbed? Do they have personality disorders? Are they a narcissist that has to have attention all the time? Yes. Something is terribly wrong with them.
To continually be the one complaining about the same angst for 50 years hasn't solved the problem. The articles by experts that I have read say that sometimes you have to exit a relationship with a narcissist. If that narcissist continues hurting you, you will need to acknowledge that you cannot change them. They will not listen to you and you must look out for yourself which means leaving the relationship. You have no worth to them.
What about myself causes me to continually get into relationships with narcissists? I have to identify my weaknesses. I am finding out where to draw the line and why would I personally want to be the scapegoat of their displeasure? Why would I continually be willing to play the victim as well?
Sometimes when we are a people pleaser, we get in over our heads to please and shouldn't, but we do. We sometimes go along to get along. Don't rock the boat, Baby. My husband and I both have done this to keep peace in our childhood homes which has carried over into our adult relationships. Strange thing is some relatives get away with rocking the boat because they can and have been granted permission to rock the boat with no consequences, but if you the victim says anything, you are belittled and told to hush. Just take it. When the one rocking the boat should be corrected instead of hushing up the victim without a voice they were allowed to keep rocking the boat.
Being an adult, I can decide just how long I will stay on the boat ride. I don't have to buy the ticket. I can stay off the boat, right? That's correct. AND I don't have to wear the narcissist's baggage either. I believe I have made some progress dealing with narcissist. God has helped me. Thank you.
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